I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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