i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
