i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
