Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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