Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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