im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
