the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
