Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
