this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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