I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
