I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
