Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
