Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
