when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
