yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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