Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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