Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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