Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
