so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
