that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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