I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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