just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
