Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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