she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
