i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He passed out mid-signature
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What a dumb baby whore.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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