pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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