Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
