my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
