This is not my ceiling
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
