Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
