I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
