I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
