Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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