I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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