You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
