I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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