Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Randomize
