Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
