She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
