She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
