while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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