Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
