After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
