That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
