Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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