That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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