Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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