My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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