I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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