Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
