i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
