there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
