And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
