I got chris browned last night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
