How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
