My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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