Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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